I love The Donald and the GOP presidential campaign — I feel liberated. Apparently, it is now politically correct to be un-PC. To this I say: “About time.” Those of us with a sense of humor and broken “check valves” live for this moment. Even the discourse between The Donald and Hillary over which of them is sexist or more sexist provides me with total comic freedom. That and my divorce; I do have a few residual anger issues with men that need a healthier outlet.
So, with The Donald’s inspiration, here goes. I don’t know why, but I see physical objects differently now that I am single. Where most would see an everyday utensil or appliance or whatever as gender neutral, I can’t help myself — they are either male or female to me depending on their characteristics and, of course, my mood. And why not? Men have referred to ships as “she” even before Christopher Columbus told his wife, “BRB, honey.” According to different sources on Google, a ship is a “she” because “she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her good looking” and “without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable.” Oh, and “some have a cute fantail, others are heavy in the stern, but all have double-bottoms which demand attention.”
Need I say more? Whoever said those quotes became explorers out of necessity — they weren’t welcome at home.
The gender of ships notwithstanding, unlike Hebrew, the Germanic languages, French and Spanish, the English language is relatively gender neutral when objectifying objects. This is so wrong; imagine the missed Seinfeld-like humor opportunities. For example, a stapler — is there any doubt that a stapler is male? I don’t think so. You pound it on its head, and the one-trick pony that it is instantly becomes a “he.” Am I wrong, ladies? Sound familiar?
Of course, assigning genders to things won’t solve all ambiguities. Did you know that the word “key” is male in German and female in Spanish and the word “bridge” is female in German and male in Spanish? Go figure — at least I would have assumed “key” was male in both languages as a carry-over from the enlightened ship/chastity belt days. I believe that was the Bronze Age if I am not mistaken, or perhaps pre-invention of the wheel.
But regardless, despite the potential for gender confusion for the same word, we can make some much-needed progress here and now. All I need is some Schoolhouse Rock, “I’m just a bill on Capitol Hill” background music, and I am good to go. Besides, I am just getting started. My editor says I have 400 words left to “express” myself.
Think about “it.” Every single everyday object worth a damn is female — for example, cell phones, iPads, smart screen TVs, dishwashers and washing machines, convection ovens, espresso machines, electric toothbrushes and hair blowers. The list is endless. All are capable of multi-tasking complex functions and ironically, all started out as male before they were improved. Before cell phones, for instance, there were flip-top phones; before espresso machines, there were coffee pots; before iPads and laptops, there were typewriters; and before were convection ovens, there were microwaves (although they remain standard issue in kitchens for males emergencies). Even men’s trucks are approaching “keylike” gender confusion with their female-inspired interiors.
Perhaps the only modern day vestige of the male-dominated Bronze Age may be the family barbeque. But even “it” is under attack. Barbeques now have searing stations, rotisseries, and side burners for sauces — and they come with an instruction booklet. OMG, men! Ladies, your heads are nodding; you know your man’s days of grunting of “fire is good” are numbered.
So, while I am waxing philosophically in total tongue-incheek jest, I want to thank The Donald for his “tell it like it is” persona and un-PC expressions, like “schlonged,” which The Donald used recently to describe what Barack did to Hillary in 2008. I wonder if he will say he was schlonged if he loses. Male politicians can be schlonged, can’t they? I would certainly hope so in The Donald’s case. There, I feel better now