Ken offers suggestions for Trumpcare
Is it just me or does anyone else question whether the federal government is serious about health care, public safety, and balancing the budget? Ask any household on a budget—coping in a crisis requires creativity, penny-saving efficiency, and multi-tasking. I say to Mr. President and Congress, “Think like a mom, not politicians.” Moms squeeze more of the important life priorities out of each day than anyone.
Donald, we can balance the budget, fly safely, and improve healthcare while cutting costs all at the same time. Now that is good business. The answer is TSA Health Clinics. Think about it. TSA struggles to justify intrusive body searches and full body scans in the name of public safety. I mean, really, what 7-year-old is a terrorist threat? A terror, perhaps, but a terrorist? Or a 90-year-old grandmother? By the time she toddles her way to the cockpit, the flight is over.
But what if we upgrade the body-scanners, substitute nurses and physicians for TSA agents, and combine pre-flight safety checks with preventative health care? Now we are raising multi-tasking efficiency to near motherhood levels. The flying public would be safer. Our citizens would be healthier. The budget would be balanced. TSA Health Clinics are a win, win, win. It is the quintessential public option.
All that’s necessary is for Uncle Sam to issue a simple Presidential mandate requiring all U.S. citizens to take yearly vacations by airplane. It would be ingenious, Mr. President. Unlike Obama’s mandatory health care, no state attorney general is going to challenge federally mandated vacations.
Ever get to the airport two hours ahead of time and then wait an hour or more after you pass through TSA airport security? No more. The TSA lines would be just as long, but instead we emerge with boarding passes and clean bills of health. Wouldn’t you feel better if the child next to you with the runny nose had just been issued antibiotics or Benadryl by TSA? Me, too.
The possibilities are endless. The heated debate over the efficacy and costs of annual mammograms would be silenced. Just squeeze away. Even males, who often avoid the indignities of annual health exams, could now justify physicals in the digital age on a manly “I am the great protector” basis. In the name of public safety, men could turn their heads sideways and cough. If there was terror-related junk in their trunk, it would be found. Blood and stool samples would quickly diagnose high cholesterol and low iron levels, while providing scientific proof if the passenger has eaten in a forbidden foreign country lately. The proof would literally be in the pudding.
And what terrorist wouldn’t prefer Gitmo to an annual colonoscopy? Water boarding, colonoscopy, water boarding, colonoscopy. Tough choice, isn’t it? I say, close Gitmo. Is there a better way to flush bomb threats than the dreaded, “drink this gallon of liquid, the doctor will be right with you?” I can’t think of any. In fact, after an hour with no doctor, water boarding may begin to sound like the better option.
Heck, now there would even be a reason to take your shoes off at the airport. Who is going to keep their shoes on while wearing an open-ended gown? The indignity is bad enough. You don’t need folks pointing at you and saying, “Note to self—shoes don’t make my backside invisible.”
Profiling would become obsolete, too. There would be no need. Imagine the following cryptic TSA Health Clinic medical assessment and diagnosis: “High blood pressure, rapid pulse, flushed appearance, irritable bowel. Wears briefs, not boxers. Possible terrorist. Rule out hypertension and jihadist. Take diuretic twice daily. Limit salt intake. Exercise. If no improvement in two weeks, place patient on “no fly” list and call Donald’s peeps.”
I feel safer and healthier already, don’t you? I can hardly wait to go to the airport.
So, moms unite. Husbands, fathers, Republicans and Democrats fear and respect you. Melania, as “first mom,” lead the way. Step up and start a national dialogue before the dream of a TSA Health Insurance card fades. It’s not too late to stamp your name to the “mother of all inventions.” Good old American ingenuity will again make us role models in the world.
Does the budget deficit and thought of going through TSA’s current security procedures give you a rash? No problem, TSAcare has just the medicine.
And we just might catch a terrorist or two.